Favorite Funny Tweets

I recently joined Twitter and these are a few"tweets" that I think are absolutely hillarious:

There's a crazy homeless man in the mall parking lot directing cars. Into each other. Damn, I wish I thought of it first.
- myr
@myracles
http://twitter.com/myracles/status/1265807145

Morning [mawr-ning]: The part of the day where ones brain argues with its body over whether or not sleep is better than paychecks.
- myr
@myracles
http://twitter.com/myracles/status/1288910882


You know what I miss? Deadlines. - The Incredulous Mr. G
@d_g_
http://twitter.com/d_g_/status/1738509877

My brain is bad. This is why I can't have nice thinks.
- Josh Donoghue
@awryone
http://twitter.com/awryone/status/1878549755


I often work harder doing pretend work at work than doing the actual work work at work. If I could only harness this pretend ambition.
- Josh Donoghue
@awryone
http://twitter.com/awryone/status/1924443651


It's not the most conventional way to start a wedding toast, but these six simple words demand attention: "You know what your problem is?"
- Paul Kafasis
@PBones
http://twitter.com/PBones/status/2059646300


When you start laughing at jokes your desk is telling, you should just admit defeat & go back to bed. I mean the jokes aren't even *funny*.
- Justine Kilkerr
@sniffyjenkins
http://twitter.com/sniffyjenkins/status/2074243415



Percentage of time I wear headphones to listen to music: 4%. Percentage of time I wear headphones to practice misanthropy: 96%.
@sween
- Jason Sweeney
http://twitter.com/sween/status/2121000790